Frank Kogan

Tom asks on Blue Lines Revisited: "If you could have reviewed any record in history at the time it first came out, which would you choose and why?" This is my response, which will shock no one:

Ashlee Simpson's Autobiography. Who knows if I'd have reviewed it with insight, arriving cold; Mikael Wood's review in the Voice was excellent; the point is, if I'd been assigned to review it I wouldn't have known what was coming, I'd have been surprised down to my socks. Just what would it have been like to be hit right at the start with this young woman declaring, "I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep," a mystery and a pheenom in her first fanfare, and then two songs later clawing and ripping at herself and her family and trying to resurrect it simultaneously? Maybe I'd have been up to the job, or maybe I wouldn't have grasped what I was hearing. But it would have been nice to to be the one who shows up with a fresh face, the first writer to feel the wind.

(Of course millions of girls had seen her reality show on MTV already, but, interesting as the show was, I'm glad I caught her first through the music, the reflectiveness and the struggle deeper there.)

I did put on a promo copy of Miranda Lambert's Kerosene with no idea who she was or what to expect, and went "Holy amazing shit!" as the title song started it off. Someone else did the review, though.

On Rolling Teenpop I was the first person in my universe to write about Marit Larsen as a solo artist, catching her "Don't Save Me" shortly out of the gate; and I had fun observing other people independently showing up on Rolling Teenpop with the news, a phenomenon in our little world. And I did get the review in the Voice, one of the last ones they let me do, though I was allowed little more than a blurb.

I was also the first person in my universe to post about Taylor Swift, on my MySpace and on Rolling Teenpop, though I'd heard the single months earlier and Jimmy Draper had talked her up in an email to me, which is what got me interested. I was the first one on Rolling Teenpop to hear and post about the "Greatest Time Of Year"/"Not This Year" dialectic from Aly & AJ. Think of what utter fucking dipshits the Voice people were for not having me and Dave and Mike and Tim and Erika and Chuck etc. blogging all this music on launch.

"What is a nonsingle?" I hear you ask. A nonsingle is an album cut that never becomes a single and never acts like a single (so, doesn't get a lot of airplay or get talked about by more than one set of friends and doesn't chart for more than a couple of weeks), or it's a leaked track that wasn't leaked by the artist and doesn't act like a single (see previous parenthesis). So, for example, Jay-Z's "Takeover" was an album cut that was never pushed as a single, but it's not eligible in the nonsingles category, the reason being that it was chatted about and responded to all over the place, was the subject of an answer song, etc.

Top Five Nonsingles Of The '00s

1. t.A.T.u. "Kosmos" [English-language version is "Cosmos (Outer Space)"]
2. María Daniela Y Su Sonido Lasser "Duri Duri"
3. Margaret Berger "Robot Song"
4. Fannypack "Smack It Up"
5. Lindsay Lohan "Nobody 'Til You"

(Didn't do a 6 through 10, but if you want a top ten, just insert your five favorite Cassie leaks.)

"Kosmos" is the standard t.A.T.u. exploitation of their supposedly forbidden supposed love, and in all its transparent obviousness it is just utterly, exquisitely, beautifully moving. "Robot Song" does the same trick, forbidden romance as a gag, "I'm in love with a robot," and then fakes out the gag with its own exquisite beauty, is as intense for me as Murnau's Tabu or Ophuls' Earrings Of Madame de...; I like to program "Robot Song" and "Cosmos (Outer Space)" back-to-back: come to get me when the stars die, another time, another place, another world, you're the only one who makes me feel a thing, guilt for the second best, feel no more, feel no less, our home forever is outer space, black stars and endless seas, outer space, new hope, new destinies, outer space, forever we'll be in outer space.

"Smack It Up" is a bratsmack, and "Duri Duri" is a Mexican Italodisco '80s classic given it's own '00s smackiness. "Nobody 'Til You" is - what? - the second most beautiful John Shanks song, a gorgeous flood of guitar chords.

girlboymusic contributes new Kara-John-Ashlee anecdote here.

Inspired by Josh Langhoff, I've decided to go slightly more technical than I did in my column. Here again are the opening lines to "Love Me For Me":

It's been three days
You come around here like you know me
Your stuff at my place
Next thing you know you'll be using my toothpaste

What I said about the rhythm and singing was "'It's been' [pause] 'three days,' these body shots going bam-bam [pause] bam-bam; 'you come around here like you know me,' a flurry of quick jabs." But what I'll point you to here is that the quick jabs are mostly stressed syllables, and the ending of the second and fourth lines are a close match: "like you know me" is four consecutive stressed syllables; "using my toothpaste" is four stressed syllables out of five.

The Rules Of The Game #10: Embracing The Ashlee Whirlpool



Still think my writing suffers from a bit of stage fright at LVW, and I've only scratched the surface with Ashlee and don't say much about the sound. But I like this, hope it'll open up Ashlee for some of you the way my Pazz & Jop piece opened up Eminem for some people back in early 2001.

( Links to my other Rules Of The Game columns )

(Oh, and to answer the question that LVW poses in the subhead, I way prefer Ashlee to Alanis, but I think Ashlee's best, "La La" and "Shadow" and "I Am Me," gets edged out by my favorite couple of Beatles songs ("She Loves You" and "You Can't Do That"). I've always hated "Let It Be," however.)

Another Nonapology Apology From Britney:

I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a role in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my roles very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part.