Help Me Write My Bio

[koganbot]

The Las Vegas Weekly wants a short footer bio from me (about 25 words). When asked for bios I generally write things like "Frank Kogan paints white stripes on black zebras, black stripes on white zebras, and black-and-white stripes on plain zebras." Or I get even more fanciful (see examples below). But I want to be more straightforward for this one; otherwise I'll come across as gauche or smirky or trying too hard. Yet I still want to have a special flair, rather than do the usual bit of "Here's where respected institutions have noticed me."

So, would appreciate any attempts on your part to write my bio for me.

Previous bios:

For Luc & Melissa's O.K. You Mugs antho:

"Frank Kogan has a dancing beat. His eye color is unknown. His height is undetermined, but you have to look up."

For the Xgau tribute antho Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough (Don Allred wrote this one; he'd considered calling me "Kogan Delano Roosevelt" but decided to link me to the kite flyer rather than the court packer):

"In seasons of metaphysical feast and material famine, Benjamin Kogan Franklin can be found walking the lawn and mowing the dog while smoking the drainpipe for frugality's and inquiry's sake, humming 'Autumn Leaves' and raking songs into baskets. Taking them to markets while clouds cluster into apple trees, awaiting their own harvest and Eve."

For the Da Capo 2006 best-of (I think this one will be the definitive biography for at least a generation):

"Frank Kogan walked a thousand miles while you were asleep, brags of his stained garments, and can be found online poking and winking at people any day of the week, though he nonetheless claims there's more to him than you've seen, and invites you to ask. Fragments of his journey are collected in Real Punks Don't Wear Black (University of Georgia Press)."

Which reminds me:

It would probably be a good idea to work in a plug for my book.

Comments

How about

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

"Frank Kogan doesn't just ask why the sky is blue, but asks the sky what it feels like to be blue, and whether it would have been green if it had listened to a different record on the 2nd day of Creation..."

Was it the 2nd day that the sky was meant to be finished? Or the 3rd? Blimmin' biblical scheduling.

Re: How about

[koganbot]

Well, second day God creates this firmanent thingie, which one would generally regard as the sky, except - presumably since there was nothing but water to look at (land being the next day's task) - He waited until Day Four to add light to the firmament and to divide night from day (though as Clarence Darrow famously pointed out, evening and morning were around since Day One, which seems to be an inconsistency); so I believe that 4th day of Creation is when blueness blooms.

Re: How about

[dubdobdee.livejournal.com]

evening and morning are the system-divider devices which stop night and day just melting into one another, so they had to exist first obv

Re: How about

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

I can still remember my Sunday school teacher's face when I asked her about the dinosaur business, and refused to be fobbed off with "but aaaaah, how long is a day?"

It's however long the sun takes to come up, go down and then come back up again! If these days were so long, then why are Noah & co's ages given in years and not 'days'?

I was not impressed. Anyway, I'm sure I can think up something better than the above :-)

Re: How about

[koganbot]

Now that I think about it, God creates light first thing (or anyway, He "lets" it be). So what's he doing recreating it on the 4th day, since he's already done the day, night, evening, morning thing? It isn't like he screwed up the first time and had to retool ("Perhaps we'll use track lighting this time"), since the Bible quite clearly informs us "And God saw the light, that it was good." That's the King James version, anyway; perhaps the original Aramaic or Hebrew or whatever it was went, "And God saw the light, that it wasn't bad for one day's work."

Re: How about

[freakytigger.livejournal.com]

1. Light
2. Firmament
4. Light + Firmament - it's a recipe! He left the ingredients to marinade.

[carsmilesteve.livejournal.com]

"wadda you mean you don't get it? go and read Real Punks Don't Wear Black (University of Georgia Press), then come back and try again!"

with link to LA Weekly approved bookseller, obv ;)

[piratemoggy.livejournal.com]

'Frank Kogan is a restless theologist analysing all creation in the context of Ashlee Simpson and vice versa'